i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I have post one night stand depression
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