checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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