Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
