I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize