the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
