Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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