How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
jump out the window naked night went bad
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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