I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
