Already got asked if we're dating
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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