not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
