if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
