Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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