Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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