i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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