she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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