Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize