Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
