Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure