I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
