Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
