I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
