I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
