The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
