Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
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booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
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Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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