One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
