I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
