When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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