Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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