i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
