I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
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