Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
