I accidentally had phone sex last night
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
