So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
