I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
