you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
