I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
