It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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