look no pants
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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