Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i believe in u and ur pee
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
