Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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