He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
