walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
