you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
