I want to have your abortion
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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