Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
