We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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