Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Randomize
