I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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