I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
