Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
