Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
People in love make me want to vomit
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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