She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
