I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
