she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
