I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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