i'm signing you up for texting rehab
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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