I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
