Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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