i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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