Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
