This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
