Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
