I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
