There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
