I wish I only lived at night.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
