Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
