I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
